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"Laughter is the music of life." - Sir William Osler
Here is our first jokes' page.
We'll be adding to them as we find new ones. If you know any good, clean, ones, tell us. For more of our jokes, click here.
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Wedded BlissA woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian
and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke
out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and
he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how
good it was going to be."
A Visit to the DoctorA young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife
made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was
ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to
say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to
the poisons."
If Microsoft made cars1. A model year wouldn't be available until AFTER that calendar year.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
6. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
Hmm?If Jesus was Jewish why does He have a Spanish name? - Bill Maher
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Luddite Computer TermsLOG ON - Making da wood stove hotter
LOG OFF - Don't add wood
MONITOR - Keep an eye on da wood stove
MEGAHERTZ - When a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning
FLOPPY DISK - What you get from piling too much wood
RAM - Da hydraulic thing that makes da woodsplitter work
DRIVE - Getting home during most of the winter in Kentucky
PROMPT - What you wish da mail was during the snow season
ENTER - Come on in
WINDOWS - What you shut when it gets 10 below
SCREEN - What is a must during black fly season
CHIP - What you munch during Wildcat's games
MICROCHIP - What's left in da bag when da chips are gone
MODEM - What you did to da hay fields last July
DOT MATRIX - Eino Matrix's wife
LAPTOP- Where da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD - Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find em
SOFTWARE - Them plastic picnic utensils, eh?
MOUSE - What leaves those little turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME - Da part of da sauna that holds up da roof
PORT - Where da commercial fishin boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY - Whan you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when Wifee asks about it
Truth or ...Let's get it straight: It was George Washington who couldn't tell a lie, Richard Nixon who couldn't tell the truth, and Bill Clinton who couldn't tell the difference. From http://www.jokeaday.com
Wedded Bliss II:A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.
"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister..."
From "A Joke Per Day".
HmmmIt's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot...
Wedded Bliss IIIA widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
Hmmm..."I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work." - Gallagher This joke courtesy of Curious Quotes. CuriousQuotes@onelist.com .
Diapers...After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
This joke courtesy of Hilarity Junior. To subscribe HilarityJnr-Subscribe@egroups.com
Hmmm...Is it really necessary to sterilize the needle to give a lethal injection?
Men and Women"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." - Dave Barry. This joke courtesy of Curious Quotes. , CuriousQuotes@onelist.com
Hmmm..."It is wrong to discriminate based on skin color, when there are so many other reasons to dislike someone" - Dennis Miller
Wedded Bliss IVA man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "
Rules of Writing...1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...very important
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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